Before you read this annoying and self-centered blogpost, you should preface that some of what I write here is a depiction of pre-reflective initial thoughts and unfiltered emotional impulses; it doesn't accurately depict the state of what I think about this topic after considering more factors. However, as a "raw" figure of ideation that occupies me it serves well enough.

In the past few months I've been considering completely socially isolating myself with the purpose of "recentering" myself — admittedly, a rather extreme act of which I am not sure if the assumed beneficial outcome aligns with reality.

What does "recentering" mean in this context?

When I was a child and a young teenager I spent most of my time alone. The state of solitude is what feels natural to me and I've been going astray throughout the process of becoming an adult, leading a lifestyle that only seldom allows me to be by myself. The cognitive dissonance of wanting to detach myself from social settings and constantly keeping up with such things is getting increasingly more difficult to deal with as I become older. By "recentering" I mean to go back to a lifestyle that aligns with my actual interests in life and choices in the pursue of relieving stress. I find the term fitting not only because of the obvious meaning of regaining balance, but also because of the term "recent" in there, so you could interpret "bringing back something back into the present" into it.

Relieving Stress

I find it increasingly difficult to deal with the amount of social stress and pressure to the point where I can't relax even if I am in solitude because I am worried about what people are thinking about me. Having to catch up with everybody, then keeping up this act of being fine so that they think that I am alright and don't have to worry about me. As a matter of fact, I only really feel fine when I am just by myself and don't have to deal with coming up with something interesting or funny to say, which I am mostly failing at anyway, causing another neverending feedback loop of pressure to deal with.

I rarely enjoy talking and I don't feel like I have much to say.

It's utterly exhausting to me trying to think of something "original" and it makes me feel like an asshole to have some sort of performance pressure in every situation, like I have to put on a show to entertain. I am unable to ever relax in a conversation. I am missing the basic human function to simply "speak". Some people are able to do that; They just tap into what they know and convey their thoughts. I have no idea how to do that and instead juggle with some random impulses that come to my mind and mangle something together that appears to make the somewhat of a sense. This is a process that is causing me to be extremely overstimulated, it is very difficult to me to keep my temper and composure, not dissociating and appear "normal". I happen to say something illogical that I don't believe myself and/or tell lies due to this stress, even though I do not want to lie and have nothing to gain by doing so. It is very bothersome to me if that occurs, but not something I fully have control over.

Coping mechanisms

I have quit smoking, all hard drugs and I've been sober (by that I mean not getting shitfaced) about two months ago and now I am lacking in mechanisms I rely on in order to properly function in a social setting. This puts me in the place of having to make a decision with little to no middle ground. Either go on as I did in the previous years and constantly get wasted or actually change my habits and live as a recluse, at least until I figure out a way to have this cake and eat it too.

Now there are benefits and detriments to both lifestyle choices.

Sober and Reclusive:

Benefits:

• Able to work on my projects
• Improve new and old skills
• Sleep well
• Being clear-headed
• Save money
• Able to enjoy free time at home

Detriments:

• May become boring sometimes
• Possibly hurt people who appreciate me

Hedonistic and Socially Compatible:

Benefits:

• Gain exciting experiences
• Meet interesting people

Detriments:

• My body will break down sooner
• Awkward situations often happen
• Sleep is poor
• Lack of freedom of movement (can't drive a car intoxicated)
• No money

I could go on, but these are the main points. Now let me expand on some important points.

I want to stay sober

I have no issue at all staying away from alcohol when I am simply by myself. In order to get rid of the habit of getting shitfaced all the time I need to get down to the root of the trouble, which are my social anxiety issues and the coping mechanism I trained myself on for years that is the consumption of alcohol. If you now think you should give me "helpful" tips that I should address the issue in a different way, don't.

I want to stay healthy

That doesn't primarily mean physically but mostly mentally healthy, or at least trying to do achieve some improvement. I am not enjoying life and I want to try and see if there is a way for me to attain being able to. I quit many bad habits cold turkey and started doing sports regularly as a first step. This is a journey that takes a lot of time. Going to therapists, trying out different ways to go about my day, etc.

I have many undone projects to finish

Stuff that requires time and effort to do. I have a very difficult time focusing on anything important, especially the type that I don't enjoy to do. Seemingly mundane tasks can take up very much time for me. I have a lot of stuff I want to finish so I can clear my mind from all the clutter that subconciously lingers within me.

I simply want to do it

I don't know why I have this complusion to vindicate myself in front of anyone. I don't owe anyone anything and I am free to do this, so I will.

There will naturally be a few exceptions to this. Foremost, I still want to make music which requires some amount of socializing. I also of course will still go to work and if you know me personally, I am approachable there (although I loathe it when people visit me at work without telling me beforehand). Also I know that I provide a service there that is important for some of you. Please just be considerate and try not to drag me into anything.

Also, I will stay available online. Most, if not all of the issues I've spoken about only manifest themselves in physical reality. Actually I will likely be pretty active online. As much as I hate the walled-garden-spyware that is Discord, it is something I'll likely be unable to ditch and where most of my activity will take place.

I am not writing this blogpost with the pathetic intent of trying to garner attention, or putting on a whiny mask of self-pity to manipulate people into reaching out and I hope if we're friends you don't think of myself as that shallow or stupid. I am trying to seriously fix some of my issues by doing this. Lastly, if you actually have read all this shit please don't bring this up if you talk to me. It's awkward and I feel rather goofy putting this up here.

When it comes to personal issues I usually do not use this medium to process them, in this specific case my website seems to be the ideal one so excuse this outlier. These are things I have never really talked about to anyone because I am ashamed of them. It's difficult to talk to people about this, because it puts them in the awkward position of feeling like a disruptive element, even if that isn't the case and I am well aware that this is an issue on my hand.

Anyway, if you have made it this far, I appreciate you taking your time to read that much of my ramblings!